Destiny's Child Survivor

Red E ------ Ah Yea!

That is the name of the color on this hot hot hot Cadillac. Nice!

Dashboard Confessional - Ghost of a Good Thing

I guess it's luck but it's the same
Hard luck you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love but it's like you said
"Love is like a role that we play"

But I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But i believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But you're chasing the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
Is getting away from you again
While you're chasing ghosts

I guess it's luck but it's the same
Hard luck you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love but it's like you said
"Love is like a role that we play"

But I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But i believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But you're chasing the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
Is getting away from you again
While you're chasing ghosts

Just bend the pieces till they fit
Like they were made for it
But they weren't meant for this
No they weren't meant for this

Just bend the pieces till they fit
Like they were made for it
But they weren't meant for this

Chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
Is getting away, away, away, away from you again

Chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
Is getting away from you again
While you're chasing ghosts

A replacement houseboy??????

Yet another fairly young guy was in the kitchen today when I went in to make dinner. He was in shorts and a t-shirt, and barefoot, and looked very much at home. Keith came into the kitchen awhile later and asked if I had met his friend. I really hadn't because he was on the phone. I wonder if he is a replacement since Houseboy #1 left one day and never came back. Apparantly he has been causing quite a ruckas around the city. Lets just say that no one should leave their belongings out around him. Eesh.
This new one isn't nearly as young, but still cute. I wonder how long he'll be around.

I am officially out of control !!!!!

So, I added up some rough estimates today of how much I've been spending. I am on top of my budget like nobodies business, as long as I am sober. =P. Since the 1st of February I have spent approximately $1963.31. That does not include my rent and utilities. The budget I made for myself only allows for about $425 extra after savings and all that jazz. I've only exceeded it by oh, about 4 1/2 times !!!!

About $500.00 of that was for shopping in San Francisco. A large majority of it was food, booze, & entertainment. A huge chunk of it was for traveling.



That is ok because I am fabulous! Who needs to budget when you are the heir to a fortune?! Duh! What a silly game.

I really am okay with it though because I spent the money making memories and having a blast with my friends that I love.

I guess I will cut back, just a little, so that I can start driving again. California drivers watch out! Don't hit my Lexus or I will use my voice activated car phone to dial someone to come kick your ass.

I think I'll go buy a nice watch today, something with diamonds. After all, my rates are based on time.

Dictionary.com's word of the day

trepidation \trep-uh-DAY-shuhn\, noun:
1. [Archaic] An involuntary trembling; quaking; quivering.
2. A state of dread or alarm; nervous agitation; apprehension; fright.

-Most people I know only get that feeling when they've done one to many, or when they need another drink. =P

Is this to be our future?

Are we to become even worse than those people who chat their whole lives on the Internet and never have any real interaction with people. Maybe Angel and I will only ever communicate through blog posts and comments. That's hott. R-i-g-h-t.

Angel Benton said...
OK so apparently I have been misinterpreted and feel the need to clarify. Trust me, I of all people understand the value of alone time, but what I don't think that you are understanding is that when you told me to get lost, well that you wanted to be alone, it was 2 AM....in an unfamiliar city....and you were intoxicated....and you are tiny! So yes I was concerned about that. So if my caring about your personal safety makes me an "ass," then I am an ass and I apologize for that. I know it might be selfish, but Heaven forbid if anything had happened to you that night I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. I was just glad that you came back safe and sound in one piece. And obviously I wasn't that pissed off about that because we were totally fine the next day (the night of the awards). It was the NEXT day that I was distant, and that was because of what happened the night before. You weren't being punished at all, but I hope that you see that if we did that bike ride and you ran the marathon with me, that I would be punishing myself. But it is interesting that you chose those words, because "being punished" is exactly how I felt the night before.

12:37 AM

I say...
See, before it wasn't said that it was about my personal safety. It may not have been on purpose, but I was made to look like a jerk, simply because I said that I would appreciate it if I could be alone. I was quoted as saying "get lost!". It's as if my personal need for time alone had been morphed into an insult to others. San Francisco is not unfamiliar to me. I have been there several times, but not everyone is aware of that. If I had been abducted by aliens or hit by a runaway truck filled with emotion or God forbid gay bashed....well everything happens for a reason right? And I strongly dislike that I was quoted as using the words "Get lost" because I said no such thing.

You really had become Brandon Baker for a couple of days there because there was no breaking into your vault of emotions and feelings that day.

Angel Benton said...
"I come back to the room, and see that he has left me behind, and didn't leave a note or anything. At that point in the trip I was already feeling like I couldn't turn my back without Andy disappearing. That, combined with being told to get lost in New Orleans, made me feel like he couldn't wait to get away from me."

I say...
Well actually after you left the room, I climbed into the closet and waited in there for about 8 minutes because I wanted to pop out and scare you when you came back into the room. I didn't realize that you weren't waiting for me in the hallway. Oh, and if I couldn't wait to get away from you why the hell would I keep pushing for us to go on A 16 MILE BIKE RIDE TOGETHER?!

Angel, I know that you care about me and my safety. Please don't take personal offense when I need time alone. It makes me feel guilty to do what is right for me. I didn't tell you to shove off or get lost. I would have asked to be alone had it been Brandon at the elevator door, or my mother, or anyone. It's like you have this mindset that I needed to be away from YOU when in fact I just wanted to be completely alone.

Although, you do need time away from me as you posted in your last blog.

Angel said
"and if I have to take a step back and a breather from Andy to keep the peace and my own sanity, I guess I will do just that."

I say...

I respect that. I don't take offense to it, and I don't interpret it as you saying I need to stay out of your life or I should get lost.

I did the same thing, only mine was for just about an hour, and I took a breather from everyone. =P

Congratulations on finishing the race. I am proud of you.

Cabrera ain't got nothin on Carrabba

This man could take me anytime anywhere. He is B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L and talented. I love his voice. It's so sweet. And those tatts. Oh my! Take me now Chris Carrabba (Dashboard Confessional)

#1 Crush

I can dedicate this song to my closest friends and to the love(s) of my life. I think it is hot hot hot and I have liked it for a long time.

#1 Crush by Garbage

Garbage #1 Crush

I would die for you,
I would die for you,
I've been dying just to feel you by my side,
To know that you're mine.

I will cry for you,
I will cry for you,
I will wash away your pain with all my tears,
And drown your fear.

Ah ah, ah ah ah,
Ah ah, ah ah ah,
Ah ah, ah ah.

I will pray for you,
I will pray for you,
I will sell my soul for something pure and true,
Someone like you.

See your face every place that I walk in,
Hear your voice every time that I'm talking,
You will believe in me,
And I will never be ignored.

I will burn for you,
Feel pain for you,
I would twist the knife and bleed my aching heart,
And tear it apart.

I would lie for you,
Beg and steal for you,
I would crawl on hands and knees until you see,
Your just like me.


Violate all the love that I'm missing,
Throw away all the pain that I'm living,
You will believe in me,
And I can never be ignored...

I would die for you,
I would kill for you,
I will steal for you,
I'd do time for you,
I will await for you,
I'd make room for you,
I'd sail ships for you,
To be close to you,
To be a part of you,
As I believe in you,
I believe in you,
I would die for you...

but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't haunt you daily and spend time with you, even from beyond. Don't think it's that easy to get rid of me. I think everyone should listen to this song.

I got you!

Yike

My mother recently sent a bunch of stuff to me that had been stored in the garage from my school years. This folder is holding all of my class photos. The torn sticker on it says "Say Boo to Drugs". How things change.



I say there is nothing wrong with dabbling, as long as it is in moderation and responsibilities to one's self and others are not neglected. Some careless people had to go ruin it for the rest of us, lol.

At least I am still proud. =)

What's new?

I know I was gone for a while and didn't update. I was helping Brandon live up to his website name for a few days there, and the other days I was just having a blast or relaxing. Can I just say, that now that I think about it, it is amazing that we had no drama...or at least no evident drama, during our whole trip. I think that for the most part we all had a blast. There was no explosion of tater tots or anything and the whole trip was just amazing. I missed out on the bike ride, and I was about to do it by myself, but I jumped on the opportunity to spend more time with Brandon, who I see not nearly often enough....at least from my viewpoint. Ask him, and he'd probably say he sees me to much. I love you B. xo. Angel was pretty much silent the entire last day of the trip. I could tell something was on his mind and I asked him if he cared to share his feelings. His response was "Haven't you had enough of that by now?" Well fuck, excuse me Miss Thang. I asked if I had said or done anything to implicate that I had thought that and he thought about it and said no. I didn't get it.
I thought he was punishing me for something since we were supposed to go on our bike ride together and he suddenly didn't want to .
For the record I did not tell him to get lost, at least not in San Francisco. I don't remember the incident in New Orleans, so I can't even try to defend myself there. When we were in San Francisco, I just had the need to be alone, and I wanted to go for a walk and grab a bite to eat. I just said that I would appreciate it if i could be alone. Don't take everything to heart you ass! xoxo. Everyone needs alone time.

Hmmm what else is new? I got a hot hot raise @ work. I got about 2.5 times the percent more than I was expecting. They must really like me or something because the raises are never that much. My boss even said she hasn't received a raise that nice. HOT for me.

I went on a date and I think it went great.

I am strongly considering getting a tattoo. I just have to figure out of what, and then where.

I watched Party Monster all the way through for the first time today. What downer. Ew. If my experiences with intoxicants were as bad as theirs, you'd better believe I'd woudln't even need to be with Britney in rehab. The movie actually annoyed me. While they are tragic messes....the party monsters in my life are fabulously fantastic; off and on, up and down.

I saw the movie Breach. I was going to see Zodiac, but after reading Brandon Bakers coments on www.partywithbrandon.blogspot.com, I thought better of it. Jason Sechrest didn't seem to fond of it either. Breach was good. I thought that it would be more action and less emotion. I wasn't exaclty prepared for it. I do have to say though that Resse Witherspoon is way better at acting than her beautiful ex-husband Ryan Phillipe. Yummy.

More later.

I think I may actually hump it, lol

In the words of Angel Benton

WORK BITCH!!!!!!!

Sarah McLachlan/Sara McLaughlin

i don't get it. I guess when it translates from Canadian English to American English, her name is spelt differently. If you search for her songs, it comes up with two different types of spellings. Anyways, will someone please delete her from my computer!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! This b*tch fucks me up emotionally. I started to explain why but ugh....old old old drama....nm.

My first kiss

I don't know how many remember their first kiss but I certianly do remember mine. At times, when I am left alone with my thoughts for to long, I realize that I have depths within me that even I do not want to think about and explore. I see so much beauty in the world that sometimes I am overwhelemed and all I can do is cry. My first kiss was and always will be a magical moment. I think so, because it was so inncoent, and it was always very reassuring that I was finally on the right path. Perhaps it was also because he was beautiful. When I say beautiful, I mean more than looks of course. Even today he is smart, respectful, talented, caring, and just all around a wonderful person.
I can't help but think there must have been something special about him. I have not felt the magic since that kiss, even when having sex with someone i think I love. - that is a whole other subject.
All I can say is that it was amazing, and I think the next time I feel that spark, I will try to hold on harder to him. Of course at the time I wasn't drinking or on any other intoxicants. Perhaps they dampen everything and so there can be no spark. I wouldn't doubt that several people consistenly get fucked up to avoid the spark. To avoid any real human emotion that may attach themselves to someone else. Well shit, they should just pass their sparks along to me then. =P

Coming out

Hard to believe that I would still need to come out to anybody huh? For those of you that have met me, I am not (always) obviously gay. I'm sure that last sentence provided a good laugh for those that do know me though. I still have girls at work and school crush on me, but maybe they are just out of touch with reality. Anyways, I have some coming out to do.

I was apparantly born to a big irresponsible man & money loving hoe. Lol, could you imagine someone like that?! Ugh, makes me sick. Anyways, my biological brother and I were adopted into different families. I was blessed to grow up with a beautiful family and I love and adore my parents. My brother was not so fortunate. His foster mother never legally adopted him because she wanted to continue to collect welfare and all that jazz. Well, one year I went to see him for Christmas and he wasn't there. His foster mother had decided to move away and not tell anyone where they were going. I had to take the sweater that I bought him back home and put it under the tree. I kept it wrapped up for years. My biological grandmother, a beautiful BEAUTIFUL soul, always kept in contact with myself and my adoptive family. She and my cousin searched for years for my brother, and finally after close to eight years they found him. He was an adult by then and so many years had gone by...we had completely separate childhoods and experiences.

I've seen him once in the past 10 years, and that was five years ago at my cousins wedding. Since then, he and his wife have had two children and I haven't been able to meet them. I guess in part it is my own irresponsiblity, but mostly I will say it is due to the fact that we barely know eachother so it's not like it'd be the most comfortable thing for me to go stay with them for a weekend.

That is exactly what my dad is suggesting. He is going up north for something else and he wants to drop me off at my brothers on Friday and pick me up on Sunday. I mentioned it to my brother on the phone and he seemed thrown off and slightly unreceptive. I said "Well I was talking to my dad and we thought it'd be a good idea if I could visit you for the weekend while he's up that way" (or I said something to that effect) and his response was kinda of like " well, ummmm, yea, I should be here". I think a weekend would be to long with these total strangers.

We haven't had any real conversations. I mean, about what he remembers from living with our biological parents. That's one major issue. The other is that I haven't told him that I am gay. I don't know if he'd really care or if it would make a difference. The thing is I really don't know because he was raised in a completely different environment. My dad keeps pressuring me into going up there, and I feel like we need to talk about a lot before I do decide to visit, especially for a whole weekend.

I never had to come out to my parents. Parents always know, and my dad caught me making out with a guy when I was 16.





Yes yes, this is the guy that my father caught me making out with in his van. Out of all the days that my dad decided not to go to work, and to instead go for a healthy brisk walk in the morning...he happened upon me and my boyfriend. He graduated the year before me. I met him because he was my flute tudor. The REAL flute thank you. Not the skin flute. We were making out in his van parked just up the street from school and there was a knock on the drivers side window. It was my father. YIKE! He demanded that I get out of the vehicle, and my bf sped off. I walked behind the fence to go to school and of course my dad was following and yelling at me. I was crying and a mess, and along came my girlfriend-a close friend, and a girl that I had happened to come quite close having sex with. I was a big mess and she had to kind of duck between me and my father. Wild huh?




Anyways- back to the real subject here. I was thinking of coming out to my brother over email. It'd be better than giving him my myspace link and having him find out on his own. Perhaps he will be very accepting. When my other brothers and sisters found out, they each came up to me separately and told me that they loved and supported me and that would never change. Life could be worse. I would give away all of my shoes and walk the world barefoot if it meant that I could have friends and family half as becautiful and amazing as I do now. I am not sure what I have done to deserve the people in my life, but I am going to enjoy them for as long as I can.

Lets take a hot minute

to honor a couple of really hott photots. Yummy!





And this boy is B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L






.

oops! how did that one get on there!?

SO FAR BEHIND

In this case I am talking about my blog. I am way way way behind. I will try to blog later on today. I'm not even sure how many people read this thing so I don't really have the motivation all the time to keep it up to date. Of course, maybe if I blogged all the time, more people would read it. Hmmmmm.

I need to go back to work now. See ya'll later.

Here a few things to think about.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?